Jealousy
by maebyfunkebluth
Summary: Ron comes up with a brilliant plan to make Hermione jealous. Fortunately the plan goes horribly wrong. Warning: Slash Galore! Twoshot, new chapter added! Now complete.
1. Chapter 1

This is a slashy humorous (I hope) fluffy fic. It is unbetaed so please review and leave concrit so I can improve my writing!

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"There's something wrong with Hermione."

Harry looked over at Ron. Ron had a serious expression on his face. His extremely soon-to-be-slapped face if Hermione ever heard the comment he just made.

"Yeah, mate?" Harry replied. Sometimes in these situations it was just best to let Ron talk.

"Well just look at everyone else in our year you have, let's see, Hannah Abbott and Ernie Macmillan. And Lavender and Seamus. Mandy Brocklehurst and Michael Corner. Morag McDougal and Anthony Goldstein. Susan Bones and Justin Finch-Fletchly. Frances Gretstone and Muriel Smithe. And Dean and _Ginny_. And Pansy and bloody Draco Malfoy that little-"

"I get the picture. What exactly is your point?"

"That everyone else in this entire castle is paired up except for her!"

"You might not have noticed this but neither of us was on that list of yours. Ron, did you ever think that maybe these things just take time and Hermione doesn't want to be rushed into something?"

"That's not it," said Ron as he tapped his foot on the floor.

Harry waited anxiously for Ron's brilliant thesis and tried as hard as he could not to just reach over and hold Ron's thigh still on the couch. Ron's leg shook harder and Harry knew he was preparing himself to speak. He just hoped that time came before he died of annoyance. His hand inched closer to Ron's robes.

"Hermione is in love with us but she doesn't want to go out with us because she thinks we would think it would be strange!"

"It would be strange."

"C'mon Harry, we've been friends with her for so long it's only logical."

"Well then what is she waiting for? Hermione is the most logical out of all of us."

"I've already figured out that bit."

Harry rolled his eyes mentally. Trust Ron to have some ridiculous solution to this completely non-existent problem. He looked around the Common Room for an escape route but found nothing. He was trapped.

"What is it Ron?" he asked resignedly.

"We need to make the first move!"

Harry went pale.

"On her?" he asked, "You mean both of us? _Together_?"

"Well," began Ron, "first of all, I haven't exactly figured out _which_ of us she's in love with so I'll have to consider both of us an option until I rule one out. And secondly, I think that what we really have to do is get Hermione to notice us in a more-than-friendly way. We have to make her jealous."

"By doing what exactly?" Harry could feel the sausages from breakfast in the bottom of his stomach and he noticed with a grimace that Ron had started shaking his leg up and down again.

"Dating," Ron declared with an air of finality.

"Dating who?"

Harry knew he shouldn't have asked that the moment Ron stuck his hand in his bag and began rummaging around for something. He looked on apprehensively as Ron pulled out a grubby sheet of parchment.

"This," said Ron, "is a List. It is a list of every single witch in this school."

"Oh," said Harry.

"We are going to read every name on this list until we find suitable dating partners."

"Oh," said Harry again. He was so much in shock that Ron had prepared some form of organized planning that he almost forgot the shock he was in over Ron's horrible idea.

"First name," said Ron, "Eloise Midgen."

"No," said Harry. "Remember the nose thing?"

"Cho Chang."

"We have a bad history."

"Padma Patil and Parvati Patil."

"After the Yule ball I don't think they'll ever speak to us again."

"Romilda Vane."

"No way."

"Orla Quirke."

"Way too young! Ron, let me read the list!"

Ron handed it over to Harry. Harry read the next name out loud.

"Millicent Bulstrode."

"Never! She'd probably end up eating us for lunch."

"Su Li."

"She's one of those giggly Ravenclaws right? Bit too girly for me."

"Lisa Turpin."

"Her hair's too long."

"Daphne Greengrass."

"She's too blonde."

"Katie Bell."

"She's too pretty."

Fifty-seven names later and all of the other possible contenders in the school had been ruled out.

"There's no one left Ron," Harry said. Ron was thinking.

Ron's leg was bouncing as fast as ever.

"I don't know, I just don't know," Ron said, tapping his foot furiously.

Harry grabbed Ron's leg.

"You know," said Ron, " I bet Hermione would be really jealous if _we _started dating."

Harry didn't move his hand.

They sat there for a little while until Harry broke the silence.

"That's a really good idea Ron."

Ron put his hand on top of Harry's.

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The next morning Ron and Harry walked into the Great Hall hand in hand.

"Do you think Hermione will be mad?" Ron whispered in Harry's ear.

Harry shook his head no, but his teeth chewed the inside of his cheek. Idiot Ron and his moronic plans.

Harry looked up and down the Gryffindor table. There were Lavender and Parvati. And there was Hermione, sitting right next to _Luna Lovegood?_

Hermione looked up and moved down a seat, leaving an open chair on either side of her.

"Harry, Ron, do you have something to tell me?" she inquired, looking them both in the eyes and sounding uncomfortably like Harry's first grade teacher, Ms. Bloom.

"Well…" Ron began.

"Hermione..." said Harry, fully intending to finish his sentence and looking thoroughly surprised when no other words came out.

There was a pause.

The pause stretched on and Hermione prepared her self a cup of tea with honey and lemon.

"Meandharryaredatingpleasedon'tbemadatusI'msorryyou'retheonlysinglewitchinouryear," Ron blurted,

"What makes you think that?" Hermione asked, setting down her teacup rapidly.

"You could understand that?" Harry said, bewildered at Hermione's expert translation skills.

"You and Ron are dating and I am implored not to be mad at you two and Ron is apparently sorry that I am the only single witch in my year." The last part of this statement was said so disparagingly that Harry shivered.

"Are you mad?" Ron asked softly.

"Just answer my question, Ronald Bilius Weasley. Why did you say that?"

Hermione crossed her arms below her chest and peered down at the top of Ron's head.

Somehow she had grown much taller than Ron and Ron had hunched down to Dobby-sized.

"Well, I said me and Harry are dating because I like him and he likes me and last night I asked him if he would go out with me and he said yes and so that's why we're dating and I don't want you to be upset because you're our friend and-"

"Not. That." Hermione's voice was low and sharp and Harry blinked.

Ron just looked at Hermione, completely lost.

"Huh?" he managed.

"Ron, honestly! You are so utterly and completely blind! _'The only single witch in my year'_. You think I have a problem with you two _dating_? I've been waiting for you two to start since Second Year! The only problem I have is with your mental capacities! How can you have failed to notice that I have been dating Luna Lovegood for THREE MONTHS!" Hermione stood up angrily.

"Let's go Luna," she said and the two girls stood up.

"Congratulations Harry!" Hermione yelled over her shoulder as she walked to the entrance holding Luna's hand.

"So you think she's jealous?" asked Ron.

"Maybe," said Harry.

"Do you think she would be very jealous if I asked you to go to Hogsmeade with me this afternoon?"

"Definitely."

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Please review, it means a lot!


	2. Chapter 2

The second and final chapter! Please review!

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Draco sat at a table in the corner of The Three Broomsticks. Crabbe and Goyle sat on either side on him, and Pansy Parkinson sat in his lap. He exuded a sense of nobility and class. Power practically seeped out of his every pore. His head was held high, and his nose had just a slight tilt to it, enough to make everyone else feel inferior as he gazed above their unworthy heads. Unfortunately his table was right in front of the door to the bathroom.

Draco watched in disgust as a group of fifth year Hufflepuff girls leaned against the edge of his table while waiting in the line for the bathroom.

"Oh, I have to pee so badly!" The girl who made this comment was doing a sort of hopping dance. Draco scowled. Did any Hufflepuff know how to behave in public?

"Did you see Harry Potter holding hands with Ron Weasley?"

The Hufflepuffs didn't even have the common sense not to gossip where anyone, let alone a Slytherin could overhear them. Leave it to them to talk about someone as common as Harry Potter dating complete filth like Weasel. Wait, what?

Draco leaned in closer to the gaggle of giggling girls.

Pansy let out a shriek as she fell out of his lap and was unceremoniously plopped down on the hard wooden floor.

"Fine," she said to no one in particular, "I'll just go sit with Millicent anyway."

Draco willed the Hufflepuffs to talk about Potter and Weasel again. Couldn't they just be interesting _for once?_

"I heard that Harry and Ron have been secret lovers since the beginning of the year!"

"I heard that they got married in fourth year!"

"I heard that Hermione Granger's dating Luna Lovegood!"

"Are you serious? They've been dating for like, years."

"Yeah, who cares about _them_. We all know that they have a secret love nest in the Restricted Section of the library."

"How is that even possible? The Restricted Section is right out in plain view!"

"I think that's the _point_."

Mental note, thought Draco: visit the library soon. Once he realized that the Hufflepuffs weren't going to be talking about the horrible train-wreck that was Pot-face and Ronald "my-hair-is-as-red-as-my-family-is-poor" Weasley (he might need new nicknames) dating, then there wasn't any point in listening to their conversations.

Draco stood up from his table with a extreme sense of poise and grace and swept off out the door. Unfortunately, the way to the front door was blocked the group of people waiting for the toilets who had seemingly congregated around his table. Draco swept out of the back door of The Three Broomsticks and into a dingy back alley.

A noise caught his attention.

"So, do you reckon that she'd be jealous if I kissed you?"

"I'm not sure, but maybe we should try just in case."

"Good idea," said a familiar voice, who Draco immediately placed as the Weasel.

And then, _right in front of Draco's eyes_, Potter and Weasley _kissed._

On the lips.

From Draco's position, it looked a little awkward and clumsy. However, both of the boys seemed to enjoy it very much. Figures they'd be horrible at everything, even being _you know_.

"Maybe," said Potter, "we should stop trying to make anyone jealous."

"Yeah," said Weasel, "I don't think anyone was ever jealous."

Of course, thought Draco. Who the hell would be jealous of Potty and his pet Weasel? But still, thank Merlin that they weren't _actually_ dating. Then he'd have to watch them in the Great Hall, and everyone would talk about it all the time, and he'd probably have to witness Weasley's proposal to Potter on the freaking Quidditch pitch.

"So we'll just tell be back to normal then?"

"Hell no."

"Merlin's kneecap, I could kiss you!"

He did. Draco cringed. At least they had realized that they weren't making anyone jealous, because of course they weren't. It would be completely ridiculous to assume so. Idiotic even. The absolute stupidest thing you could think. Of course.

Draco Malfoy wiped the tear away from his cheek with the back of his hand. It was all the Hufflepuffs fault. Damn Hufflepuffs.


End file.
